


Scary, but oh so good

by Coff_eka



Series: The diary [1]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/M, Family Bonding, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Han Jumin Has Feelings, I Love Choi Saeran, I Love Han Jumin, I Love Zen | Ryu Hyun, Intimacy, M/M, Protective 707 | Choi Luciel, Reader Is Not Main Character (Mystic Messenger), Recovering Choi Saeran, Romance, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:08:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23873674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coff_eka/pseuds/Coff_eka
Summary: Saeran was doing better. So much better. Three years passed and he slowly fell for Zen and he has fallen for him. The only thing coming in between them is Luciel.
Relationships: 707 | Choi Luciel/Main Character, Choi Saeran/Zen | Ryu Hyun, Kang Jaehee (Mystic Messenger)/Original Female Character(s)
Series: The diary [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1720558
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	1. Love conquers all

**Author's Note:**

> My first work in the Mystic Messenger fandom! I'm thrilled. I've only written one other fanfic in English so if something doesn't sound right it's probably because English is my second language.   
> This is going to be a few chapter long sappy story. Like, it's feels mostly and physical relations. It may not be the best but I loved writing it and I'll add one shots later. I have a few ideas but I don't have a specific story line in mind so I'll just make a series out of them. Enjoy :)

It’s been 3 years since he got free from Rika’s grasp. He had been going to therapy ever since. He lived his brother in his bunker. At first everything was horrifying. He had meltdowns all the time. Saeyoung took care of him with the help of the RFA members. They never left him all by himself. If Luciel had something to do, his girlfriend would come and take care of him. They made sure he took his medication and went to therapy. They reminded him to write in his progress diary. When he had anxiety attacks there was someone there to calm him down. They made sure he ate at least three times a day.

The first year was torture. He had voices in his head, he lashed out often and hurt Saeyoung. But his brother took it every. Single. Time. It didn’t matter if it was physical or verbal abuse, Luciel would just stand there and take it and assured Saeran he had every right to get blamed for everything that happened to him.

Between the unending fights and tears Saeran got better. His disassociate episodes rarely occurred and his memories slowly came back. Whenever he got a new flashback, he rushed to ask Saeyoung if it was real or fake. His brother always answered him to the best of his abilities, filling in blank spots and giving some backstory. Just enough that Saeran could process it but not too much so he could still figure out things himself. 

After the first year his brother began taking him with himself to RFA meetings. He got to know all the members better and slowly he became a full member. He couldn’t hold a job, but it was okay. His brother assured him he could take care of him all his life if needed. It felt like he was trying to make up for abandoning him but Saeran felt like he deserved that. He deserved being taken care of by someone who doesn’t want to use him. He longed to be wanted. For the first time in his life he actually felt wanted.  
  
He made friends with the members. He played LOLOL with Yoosung and visited him twice a week at his animal clinic. He helped with feeding the animals and cleaning cages. It was the closest he became to having a job. He came to love animals, a passion he did not know he had.  
  
He also went to Jaehee’s café often when it was closing time to have a drink with the other members. It was harder than helping Yoosung. There were other people there and his anxiety got really bad. When he felt overwhelmed, he put his earbuds in and tuned out the room until it was just the RFA left. It helped him a lot.  
  
On other days Jumin came to their house and brought him expensive ice cream and wine. When Jumin got to know about Saeran’s love for ice cream and animals he made a habit of bringing a different kind of ice cream every time he came over to their house and had a chat with him. Slowly Jumin started inviting them over to his penthouse. It was Luciel, his girlfriend and Saeran there. Then Jumin banned Saeyoung and only let Saeran in after he continued his abuse of Elizabeth the 3rd. He became really close to Jumin and that was a surprise to everyone. No one thought that Saeran would be safe with Jumin Han, the man who seemed to have zero emotional intelligence. But that is what Saeran needed. Jumin never wanted to talk about feelings, never asked him about therapy. They talked about wines, ice cream, cats, Jumin shared his ideas and Saeran gave his opinions. They went well together. Well, except when it came to Zen.  
  
Zen was something. When everyone was emotional over V’s death and Rika’s illness Zen tried everything to cheer them up. On his own way. He sent millions of selfies and tried to log in to the messenger a lot. Saeran was not added to the messenger back than but he saw his messages on his brother’s phone. He was gorgeous. Every time Zen sent his selfies Saeran tried his very best to seem neutral to him but deep down something really moved inside of him. It was hardly there, in the haze of medications and therapy. But it was definitely there. Saeyoung noticed how he acted when he saw those photos of Zen and teased him endlessly, forwarding them to him at random times. He always striked back at his teasing, but it was no big deal. It was their dynamic.  
  
So when he first met Zen in real life he – naturally – had an anxiety attack. He felt so fucking stupid. He couldn’t hold a conversation with the actor. He could hardly speak when Zen smiled at him and asked him a question. He lost it and after his brother calmed him down and took him home, he didn’t go out for weeks. No one had seen him for almost a month and that is when Zen came to their house. Luciel opened the door and let the man in. Saeran was in his room and Zen knocked on his door. He can still remember the feeling of seeing Zen standing in his doorway.  
  
He came to ask if he said something wrong to him. Because of course Zen was that kind of person. He couldn’t live with the guilt he felt about hurting Saeyoung’s brother. The man who meant the most to Luciel. So he went and apologised to Saeran and the boy could not believe Zen thought it was his fault that he freaked out.  
  
His anxiety rose but he took a few deep breaths and explained to Zen that he said nothing wrong and he just had these moments where he panics and cannot stop himself. He admitted that Zen made him feel nervous because he’s just so confident and attractive and it makes him anxious. It was part of his therapy that he was to express his emotions or at least talk about them honestly. He still had a lot to learn about the delicate world of emotions and feelings, but he was getting there. That time it was a big deal that he could say it out loud that Zen made him feel nervous.  
  
Zen smiled and put his hand on Saeran’s shoulder. The action took him off guard and made him jump but the older man decided to speak nonetheless.  
  
“What about we talk a little bit so you can get used to me? I swear I am not that scary.”  
  
Saeran hesitated but agreed. They talked for the whole afternoon. He became less guarded and laughed at Zen’s stories and listened to him ramble about his career and new role. He couldn’t help but stare at him when they fell silent for a few minutes as Zen was searching for a new topic. Saeran took in Zen’s angelic features and captivating red eyes. He wanted to run his fingers through his long ponytail. He really wanted to touch his wide shoulders and run the tips of his fingers along his strong arms. It seemed that Zen did not notice or did not care about Saeran’s intense staring. Either way Saeran was happy.  
  
After Zen left Saeran fell back into his bed and stared at the ceiling for God knows how long. His mind was spinning and when Saeyoung came to check on him he pretended he was already fast asleep when really he stayed up for hours thinking about Zen’s laugh and smile and God he felt pathetic that the man made him feel like this. In the early hours he got his diary out and after chewing on his pen he decided to write down how he felt that day.  
  
“Day 465  
  
Zen came over today. We talked for hours and after he left, I couldn’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking about him. Is this normal?”  
  
He couldn’t get more out of himself and after hiding the notebook in his bedside table, he finally fell asleep.  
  
~  
  
The months went by and Zen kept coming over. Sometimes Saeyoung asked him so he and MC could go to a date night. Sometimes he just showed up and talked to him. It didn’t matter that he didn’t say much. Zen kept on speaking to him and after a while he started participating too.  
  
They talked about loads of things. Zen told him about his family and in exchange Saeran told him about how things were going with Seven. When Zen had a few too many beers with Saeyoung and slept over at their house he went to Saeran’s room and he confessed to him how insecure he really was about himself. Saeran was still a bit uncomfortable with feelings – who are we kidding? He was terrified of them – so he did the only logical thing he could think of. He hugged Zen. That took the man by surprise, but he relaxed into Saeran’s weird hug in a matter of seconds. When the moment passed, Zen asked him if he could stay in his room that night because he didn’t want to sleep on the couch all alone. Saeran said yes and they went to sleep laying next to each other.  
  
That night Saeran took out his diary. Careful as to not wake the snoring man beside him, he used his phone to shine light on the pages as he wrote.  
  
“Day 585  
  
Zen opened up to me and I was not sure how to respond so I hugged him. He didn’t mind, I think. He’s sleeping next to me right now. He said he doesn’t want to be alone. I don’t know how I should feel but… I think I’m glad he’s here. He makes me feel good when he’s around.”  
  
~  
  
Saeran pet the dog a few more times and let it go back to the cage. He looked at his watch and sighed. He was done for the day. He checked his phone. He finally had access to the messenger, so he tended to check it every few hours to see what was going on. It was usually the same. Yoosung talking about animals and LOLOL. It was crazy he still played that game after all this time. But now he was playing it more as a way to kick off some steam than a bad coping mechanism.  
  
Jaehee inviting them for coffee or to try out some cakes and teas she just got from some new exotic country her girlfriend just came home from. Jumin telling them awful jokes or new business ideas and logging off because “he’s busy”. Saeyoung pulling pranks on them. MC trying really hard to get them to recommend guests and just… taking care of them all. She was really caring. Saeran liked her. He liked that his brother got someone to look after him because lord knows… He was pretty fucking bad at taking care of himself.  
  
And there was Zen… He usually had some private messages from him and in the chat, he sent those damn selfies every day. Actually, more like every hour. It seemed like every time Saeran logged in there he was. Smiling through the phone, after workout, after showers… after who-knows-what. His pictures always made him smile but he tried to keep his emotions in check. Sometimes, when he posted an especially raunchy picture he shamefully saved it to his own phone, praying to every God he knew Saeyoung didn’t try hacking into his cloud.  
  
It was way easier than it used to be. His therapist was really proud he no longer experienced episodes as much. Even if they were way more intense when they did occur. He felt more in touch with his emotions. He could tell exactly what and how something made him feel. It took more time to figure out others, but he was slowly getting there. He talked more and smiled more. He developed trust in his brother and the RFA members. He could talk to strangers for long periods. It wasn’t smooth and he still got anxious, but he managed. His anxiety attacks rarely happened anymore. He could drink alcohol again. Not too much but he was allowed a few glasses of wine which made Jumin’s visits way more enjoyable. He felt more alive than all his life. He had real friends. He had a real family. He was happy.  
  
The only thing he was bothered by was Zen. His therapist asked a lot about him because Saeran mentioned him very carefully every time, giving it away that something was going on. She was very understanding and tried to help him realize his feelings and made sure to reassure him that liking someone was perfectly fine, he was free to do so, having physical attraction was also acceptable and being gay was okay. Saeran was still struggling with these new, unmentionable emotions stirring inside him. He wasn’t ready to admit it aloud.  
  
They spent days on the couch together. Talking, messing around and watching movies. He came to love musicals because Zen made him watch them all the time. He acted annoyed by it, but he really was not. Actually… He loved movie nights with Zen. They had a routine. They started watching a movie and slowly Zen cuddled up to him. When his head was resting on Saeran’s shoulder, he lifted his arm and played with the actor’s ponytail. Sometimes he would get the hair tie out and comb through the white strands with his fingers. Sometimes he would lay in Zen’s lap and he did the same to his now red hair.  
  
After nights like these he wrote in his diary about how comfortable he was around Zen. About how his fingers felt on him. How great the weight of his head on his shoulder felt. He wrote it all down and when he was finished, he stared at the words as they were completely foreign to him. He was scared. He knew what he felt. He knew it so damn well. But he never had the courage to actually write it down, so he just closed the notebook and put it back into its place. Along with his feelings.  
  
Saeran sighed and went to change out of his uniform. Yoosung was long gone so he had to close the place. He had a date with a girl he met the other day. Turns out Yoosung was stupid to think he would be forever alone. Apparently, puppies and kittens attracted woman like a magnet. He pulled more girls than any member of the RFA ever.  
  
As he pulled off his shirt, he got a notification. Placing the uniform in his locker he stepped to check his message. It was Zen.  
  
**Hurry up Sae!**  
  
He furrowed his brows. Zen always checked up on him, but he was sure they didn’t talk about meeting today. He didn’t answer but followed the directions given to him and got ready in mere minutes. He careful locked all the doors and activated the security system. As he walked towards the main door, he could see Zen leaning into his motorcycle, looking at the doors. Saeran quickened his steps and as he stepped out the glass doors Zen’s smooth voice welcomed him.  
  
“Just in time Saeran! I’ve been waiting for like 30 minutes now. You really take your time closing.”  
  
“What are you doing here? Where’s Saeyoung?”  
  
He looked around searching for his brother. Usually he picked him up in his obnoxious red car to take him home. Now he was missing and there was only Zen standing in the parking hot. Looking really good in black leather, if he might add.  
“He’s not coming today. I told him I would pick you up. I wanna show you something. Catch!”  
  
He caught the helmet thrown at him, almost dropping it. He examined it as he spoke.  
  
“Umm… Did you tell him that you will be picking me up with that?” He pointed at the bike. “He never lets me get on with you.”  
  
Zen shoot him a heart stopping smile and walked up to him. He took the helmet out of his hands and put it on his head.  
  
“I convinced him that you’re a grown up and if you wanted to get on my motorcycle you should not ask him for permission.” He clasped it together than grabbed his hands and pulled him to the bike. “Also… I might have bribed him a little bit with free babysitting this weekend so he could take out MC for a night. They really need to bone right about now. I’m so sick of their never-ending fights lately.”  
  
“Hey! I don’t need a babysitter! I am not a child.” Saeran frowned but his sour expression vanished as he watched Zen get on the bike. He was right. MC and Saeyoung had been fighting non-stop for weeks now about the littlest things. Saeran had to fake an anxiety attack a few days ago just so that they would stop fucking screaming at each other.  
  
He supposed Zen was right. Luciel worked an awful lot nowadays thanks to Jumin’s new tech company in progress. MC was busy with the upcoming party. Next to that they had to be there for Saeran all the time even though he assured them many times that he can handle himself now. They hardly had any energy left at the end of the day. Whatever was left in them, they spent it arguing over dirty dishes, unwashed cars, messy rooms, and rubbish.  
  
“Oh, so do you want to spend the weekend alone instead of me? I thought we were friends!” Zen pouted at him and it was ridiculous. Saeran just sighed and got on behind Zen.

“We are friends.” Fuck… We really are friends.  
  
Zen started the engine and as they pulled out the parking lot, slowly building up in speed, Saeran wrapped his arms around Zen for support. As they sped through the city Saeran looked at the sky being painted light yellow. The sun was about to set. He looked at the clouds and the setting sun. He inhaled deeply and through the helmet he could faintly smell Zen’s scent mixed with the leather’s strong aroma. The man’s white hair sometimes blocked his vision, but he didn’t mind. He enjoyed the speedy ride. They left the city and went up the surrounding mountains. Saeran wondered how long they would be going on the road.  
  
After a few more minutes Zen came to a stop and parked the bike at the side of the road. There was a little field before them with rails at the edges. Zen helped him get off and took off his helmet.  
  
“Dear Saeran! Welcome to my secret spot!” Zen looked around the little field with happiness plastered on his face. Saeran knew the view of the sunset over the city must have been glorious but he just couldn’t take his eyes off of Zen’s lit up expression as he looked over the buildings fading silhouettes. He was outright gorgeous.  
  
“It’s… It’s beautiful.”  
  
They leaned onto the railing and watched as the sun dipped down under the horizon. They remained silent for a long time, but it was not uncomfortable. Saeran willed himself to not look at Zen, only catching small glimpses of him out the corners of his eye. The man had an unfamiliar expression on his face that Saeran has never seen on him before. Before he could will himself to ask if something was bothering him, he felt Zen’s hand touching his. He looked down at his hand now touching Zen’s on the rail.  
  
When he finally realized what was happening, Zen took his hand in his and shuffled a bit closer to him. Saeran could hardly breathe and as he watched his hand in Zen’s his mind went haywire. He was holding hands with Zen. Okay. No need to panic. What does this mean? Why was this happening all of a sudden? Sure, Zen held his hands before. But only with a cause. To help him stand up or guide him around and such. Now, he had no reason. They were just… Standing. Alone. Watching the sunset. He forced himself to take some deep breaths to stop himself from spiralling. It was alright. There was nothing to be afraid of. They were just two men, standing in a forest, holding hands. It was nothing serious. It was not something to get worked up about.  
  
It took some time for Saeran to relax himself but when he finally did, he decided to fuck it. Fuck it all. He deserved one fucking hour in his life to pretend he was someone else. Someone who could just go around and talk to people without freaking out. Someone who didn’t become paralysed when others shared their feelings with him. Someone who could be left alone for a fucking day by himself.  
  
So he laced their fingers together and leaned onto Zen’s shoulder. As Zen was taller than him it was rather the side of his shoulder, but he didn’t mind. He could feel Zen’s warm body against his, his fingers tightening their grip around his. He felt brave. Not brave enough to look up at Zen. No, that was out of the question. But brave enough to look at the man’s elegant, long fingers against his smaller ones. He watched as Zen’s thumb drew slow circles on his skin and felt the shiver go down his spine from the small contact. He lavished in the unrecognizable feeling that took over him.  
  
But every good thing comes to an end. Their moment lasted until the sun disappeared and Saeran started shivering. Zen let go of his hand and took off his jacket and hoodie he had on underneath. He handed the hoodie to Saeran who whispered a small thank you and put it on.  
  
They didn’t talk after that. Of course, they couldn’t talk while riding, but it felt like there was an eery silence between them. Like something just happened that was not to be talked about. Saeran was lost in his head as he clinged onto Zen. He felt like the man could disappear at any moment and all this was just a dream. The silence they shared up the mountain became heavy and mysterious. Saeran almost gave a sound of relief as they pulled into the driveway at his house.  
  
He got off the bike and took the helmet off. Zen took it from him and as Saeran was about to give the hoodie back to him Zen grabbed his hand.  
  
“No. Don’t take it off. I’m coming over this weekend, you can just give it back to me then.”  
  
Zen smiled at him and it eased up the tension between them. Saeran returned the smile and unsure what to do with himself, went for the door. He heard Zen get off his motorcycle, but he assumed he just went to put the helmet away. He did not except Zen grabbing his arm and spinning him around.  
  
“What are you…?” He did not have the chance to finish because Zen hugged him so tight his last words became muffled voices against Zen’s jacket.  
  
They stood there frozen for seconds until Saeran got the courage to hug him back. As his hands went around Zen’s neck, the man sighed and rested his chin on his shoulder. They stood there as their bodies practically became one. Saeran never felt safer than in that moment in the dark driveway, being hugged by Zen. The stars were dazzling above them, and he wished upon them to make this moment last forever. He wanted to stay like that. Embraced by Zen in the dark. Not having to talk, not having to think just… Exist.  
  
They jumped from each other as they heard shouting from the house. The moment they stepped away from each other Saeyoung came out the door, still shouting over his shoulder into the house.  
  
“BLAME IT ON ME THEN! IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT I SAY ANYWAY! Oh, Zen! Hi! Do you… Do you wanna maybe… Come in?” Luciel seemed embarrassed that his friend had to witness one of their fights but Saeran didn’t really care. He was over the moon.  
  
“I’ll pass. I see that you really need that free night together. Do me a favour and stay the night somewhere. I’ll take care of Saeran here so you two can fuck your brains out and come back all lovey-dovey, okay?”  
  
Saeyoung let out a nervous laugh but Saeran could see that little spark in his brother’s eyes that indicated he will take Zen’s offer. God, out of all the people why did he have to know his brother’s thoughts like they were written out for him. He groaned in frustration and went up to the door, pushing past his brother.  
  
“Thank you for the ride Zen! See you on Friday!” He waved without turning back. He went to his room and collapsed on the bed. Fuck. FUCK. He buried his face into his pillow. He was utterly fucked. He stayed like that for a while. He heard his brother coming inside. He must have had something to talk about with Zen. He heard faint arguing but nothing crazy. When the house went fully silent, he took out his diary and wrote a new log. It was the shortest one he had ever written.  
  
“Day 950  
  
I like Zen”  
  
He threw his notebook off the bed, not even caring about where it landed and climbed under the sheets. He didn’t take off his clothes, he didn’t want to. He wanted to keep them on forever as a reminder. He nuzzled into his arm and took deep breaths, inhaling Zen’s scent from his hoodie. He let himself indulge in the happening of the day. He wanted to live in this fairy tale moment for a little bit longer. He forced himself to stay awake for as long as he could but sleep soon came to his eyes and the fairy tale was over.  
  
~  
  
The weekend came and went. Saeyoung cancelled their date night and suggested they would go out as a “family”. Saeran agreed to the plans though he was disappointed he wouldn’t see Zen.  
  
Their relationship had not changed but Zen did flirt with him a bit more than usual. During their usual nightly calls Zen kept calling him dearest and darling. Whenever he called him on those ridiculous pet names, Saeran would blush and tell him to stop. He didn’t mind it, but he would not give Zen the satisfaction to know how flustered he got.  
  
They spent Friday night at a small restaurant and went out to watch a movie on Saturday. They had ice cream and had loads of fun. Saeran enjoyed it but it was strange how his brother would rather drag him along to dates than having his friend over. Or let him be by himself. It was usual that Saeyoung did strange things but in the last few days he acted way different than before. It was alarming. He didn’t even let Zen come over on Sunday night. He told Saeran that he needed to relax and sleep off the last two days of socialising. It pissed him off but he couldn’t do anything about it.  
  
So Saeran couldn’t wait for Jumin to pick him up and spend the evening at his house. Maye his brother could finally get laid and stop bothering him. What a dream.  
  
Jumin’s limo pulled up at exactly 4 pm and Saeran shouted a quick goodbye to MC and rushed out to the car. Jumin welcomed him and asked him about his day.  
  
“Yeah it was… Interesting. The last few days have been strange actually.”  
  
“Really? Why is that?” Jumin looked at him with concern.  
  
“Oh it’s… Nothing serious. I feel okay. It’s just Saeyoung. After Zen… well, gave me ride home he started acting weird. He kept pushing me to spend time with him and MC. He dragged me around to do stuff which is nice of him I guess but… You know I don’t like going out for two days straight. It was a bit draining. Plus, I was really hoping to spend the weekend with Zen.” Saeran felt his cheeks heating up but knew well Jumin wouldn’t notice it. He was, well. A bit challenged with these things. Not that Saeran was better. They were two peas in a pod.  
  
“Oh, was he going over again? He seems to be spending a lot of his time at your place.” Jumin’s voice was a bit annoyed. Or hurt maybe. Understandably. Jumin really did not like Zen. Not that Zen was that fond of him either. Jumin really didn’t like Saeran being close to Zen. He didn’t know why that was a big deal. They were all part of the RFA. Shouldn’t they just… all get along?  
  
“Yeah I… I like it when he’s there. But umm… Do you have wine at yours?” Saeran was nervous. He planned to tell Jumin about this thing with Zen that they had. Saeran was not sure what to call it, but from what he heard between MC’s and Jaehee’s conversations when they were sharing gossips it mostly revolved around their(or other people’s) love life. So, he made the connection that love life needs to be shared with his friends and Jumin was basically his best friend. But even Saeran had to drink some wine before talking about these stupid feelings he had for Zen.  
  
“Of course. You know I have a winery, right? I always have wine.” Jumin scoffed and shoot him a suspecting glare. Saeran never asked if he had wine. Or what he planned. He just went along with anything Jumin had planned.  
  
Saeran laughed it off and the rest of their afternoon went as usual. They sat on Jumin’s balcony until the sun went down, playing with Elly – to Luciel’s outrage Saeran had Jumin’s permission to call her that – and drinking wine with expensive cheese and fresh fruits. Saeran knew these things were second nature to his friend so he didn’t realize how much it meant to Saeran that he shared his things with him and all Saeran had to do was ask.  
  
When the sun set, they retired to his living room. As they sat on the luxurious sofa, Jumin turned to Saeran with a genuine worry in his dark eyes. The younger man took a deep breath and tightened his grasp on the delicate wine glass. Here comes the talk…  
  
“Why did you ask if I had alcohol here Saeran? Are you relapsing? If that is the case, I have to contact Saeyoung. You know I have to.”  
  
“No! No, no, no…” Saeran slammed the glass on the table in a sudden rush of anxiety rushing over him. Jumin sometimes forgot how fidgety it made Saeran when he mentioned relapsing. “I’m good. Actually I… never felt better. I want to talk about something concerning my… relationships?”  
  
“Oh, you want to talk about Saeyoung? Or MC? I thought it was worse.”  
  
“I’m afraid it is worse. It’s about Zen.” “I thought you two were really tight. What happened?” Saeran could feel Jumin being smug. He made a competition out of everything. Naturally, it had to involve his friendship with Saeran. Fortunately, the competition was not against Saeran but Zen.  
  
For example, Zen gave him an aftershave one time for the sole reason that he didn’t like it and Saeran did. After he told that to Jumin, he stood on their doorstep a few days later with a bottle of JAR Bolt of Lightning perfume so he didn’t have to use “Zen’s garbage”. One-time Jumin offered to buy him a car when Zen asked him if it would be okay to take the bus back to his place because he drank and couldn’t drive. Saeran had Luciel’s 5 cars to drive around. He didn’t need his own. The most ridiculous by far was when he got a DVD of his best plays from Zen for his birthday, Jumin bought a fucking theatre and changed its name to Choi Theatre. He reasoned that he was getting into the entertainment industry anyway, so why not start there. It was bullshit, everyone knew it was to piss off Zen. Jokes on him, he never visited that theatre but watched the DVD a million times with Zen.  
  
“We are. We might be a bit too tight nowadays…”  
  
“Oh.” A few emotions ran through Jumin’s face as the cogs in his brain were turning. It must have looked hilarious as the two most unfit people to talk about feelings tried to share actual emotions with each other. When Jumin came to a decision in his head he leaned back and threw one leg over the other. “What do you mean exactly? You know that I do not care for foreshadowing.”  
  
Saeran sighed. _Fuck, this was really hard_. “He… Came to the clinic a few days ago to pick me up and take me somewhere. We went to this small field in the mountains.”  
  
“He took you to his secret place.” Jumin stated matter of factly. It took Saeran off guard.  
  
“How would you know about that? I thought you two hated each other.”  
  
“I went there once. But please. Continue.”  
  
Saeran took a deep breath and went on with the story.  
  
“So we were watching the sunset and… He took my hand. Like. You know. Held my hand.”  
  
Jumin stared at him for a few moments then threw his head back. Saeran couldn’t see his expression but he wasn’t sure if Jumin understood what it meant or thought Saeran was overreacting the situation or… Saeran started spiralling until he heard Jumin’s deep laugh.  
  
Saeran was utterly confused as Jumin yelled “YES” and punched the air above his head. He waited until Jumin stopped laughing to ask him what was wrong with him.  
  
“Saeran you are not aware, but there is a bet that had been going on about you and Zen.”  
  
“A bet?”  
  
“Yeah. Jaehee came up with it actually. Never knew she had it in her. Basically, Jaehee, Yoosung and me made a bet about you and Zen getting together for about a year now. Jaehee said it would take Zen 3 months to ask you out. She obviously lost. It’s Yoosung and me now. He said it would be you who asked him out which, face it Saeran, is laughable. I said it would take him about 12 to 14 months. If I win Yoosung will become my butler for a week and I get free coffee from Jaehee for a whole year.”  
  
Saeran didn’t know what to feel. He wasn’t mad. Should he have been? They made a bet out of his romantic life. But he wasn’t really bothered by it. He was more embarrassed that they were so obvious with Zen.  
  
“Jumin… I didn't expect this from you.”  
  
Jumin looked ashamed.  
  
“Are you mad? I know it was childish but… You have to agree, I couldn’t just pass on the opportunity to make Yoosung my slave. It’s not really about coffee, I’ll be paying for it anyways. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”  
  
Saeran tried to have a scolding look on his face but it turned into a wide smile.  
  
“It’s okay Jumin. I don’t really care. It just feels weird that all of you knew that I had a thing for him. It’s embarrassing.”  
  
Jumin froze. He literally just stopped moving any parts of his body. It was scary. He looked like a statue.  
  
“Jumin? Are you okay?”  
  
The man still didn’t move but stared at Saeran. He felt like those eyes were going to burn a hole into his. “  
  
We didn’t. Saeran, we only knew Zen had feelings for you because let’s be honest, he was running after you like a lost puppy. We thought you just felt comfortable around him and he made you feel better about yourself. Saeyoung… I mean. We didn’t tell him and MC so he wouldn’t interfere as you live there. But now that it’s real for both of you I would like to offer my withdrawal from the bet.”  
  
Saeran smiled and shook his head. “You don’t need to do that. You’re winning anyway. I won’t stop you having fun with Yoosung.“  
  
Jumin almost blushed which made Saeran wonder what exactly Jumin had planned to do to Yoosung if he won.  
  
“Ummm… Yeah. Saeran one more question. How long have you known you were gay?”  
  
The question made Saeran frown. It wasn’t a pleasant memory.  
  
“I had… relations I guess, with a few men at Mint Eye. The first time was not… as you’d say 100% consensual. But I… I was drugged out of my mind and they convinced me to do it for “salvation”. I did it and after a while I actually came to enjoy it. But that whole situation was fucked up.” Saeran avoided looking at Jumin. He hardly shared this with anyone. The only people he told this were his therapist and Saeyoung. He didn’t want to see the same heartbroken expression on his best friend’s fac. He was tired of people pitying him. “With Zen… It’s the first time I want to remember everything we do together the next day. I like hanging out with him, when touches me and reads his lines to me. I love our late-night phone calls. I love it that he drops everything for me. I do feel that he has feelings for me too, I’m just not sure why he never made a real move on me. It’s not like he has anything to lose and he had soooo many chances. Like… So many, Jumin!”  
  
Saeran growled in frustration, tugging on his hair. He didn’t even realize how he confessed his feelings so effortlessly. But Jumin did. He smiled and shuffled to Saeran’s side, putting an arm around him in a comforting way.  
  
“I’m sure he’ll have many more. You just… Have to make him notice that you want him to take the next step. You already have him wrapped around your finger.”  
  
Saeran blushed and turned to Jumin.  
  
“Do you really think so?”  
  
Jumin laughed and let down his arm.  
  
“I do. I cannot be 100% accurate but I did place a bet on him, didn’t I? You know I don’t take big risks.”  
  
Saeran gave out a weak laugh. Jumin didn’t take any risks. Everything he did had a good reason behind it. He hated losing in anything.  
  
“I’m sorry you have to take Zen’s side for me. I know you don’t like him.”  
  
“I do not dislike Zen.” Jumin stood up. “We have our differences but… he’s a loyal friend. He’s talented. He has passion. Moreover, you like him, so I have to make my peace with him. You are very precious to me Saeran Choi. I cherish your friendship more than anything.” Jumin stared into nothing for a second. “You’re the first person I care this much about ever since… Ever since V had passed away. I feel… I feel like it is my duty to take care of you because he failed. He was my dearest friend and he lied to me. He held many secrets and I thought I understood why, but I came to realize as I started hanging out with you that… He was wrong. It’s nice to be yourself without secrets. It doesn’t matter who gets hurt. It is better to be hurt while everyone is alive and can get better than when they are… when they are dead, and nothing can be changed. His self-righteous sacrifice and obsessiveness made you suffer. I still can’t comprehend what happened to him to act this way, but I’ll never know.”  
  
Saeran was shocked. Utterly shocked. Jumin Han, the robot as Luciel called him, actually talked about his feelings. His real emotions and thoughts spilled out of his lips and he couldn’t stop staring at the older man as he stood there, looking at the floor with his head hanging low. He looked so vulnerable. The Jumin Han he knew, the confident businessman whose mere appearance screamed power now looked like a lost child. A mourning friend, even after all this time.  
  
Saeran didn’t have words to fill the silence. He had a doubt that there were no words that could cheer Jumin up. He suffered so much after losing V. When the RFA was concerned about Saeran everyone forgot about Jumin who just lost his childhood best friend. The man whom he thought he could trust with his life. The man who held so many secrets. Jumin was well-aware he had no business to know everything about him, but the man held so many terrible secrets that it made Jumin’s heart shatter when they came to light. Rika, the Mint Eye, Saeran. The blind trust he had in V seemed to be not worth it. These were not real secrets. They were lies and crimes. It went against everything Jumin thought V was. His best friend did not simply just die that day, but he took Jumin’s trust and love with him. He was so angry and frustrated, but he buried it deep down in his mind, so it won’t be touched ever again. The RFA needed him. Saeyoung needed him. And he needed Saeran. He needed to make up for V’s mistakes.  
  
Saeran stood up and approached Jumin, watching his friend almost as he could read the thoughts in his mind. As he got in front of the tall man, he reached out slowly and wrapped his arms around Jumin’s neck. Hugging was the only thing he knew was appropriate in a moment like this, but he willed himself to speak.  
  
“Jumin. I love you. I do. But you do not have to prove yourself to me, Saeyoung or V. He made a choice and he thought it was the right one. He loved you. I love you. Everyone in the RFA loves you. You’re so selfless and caring. I know everyone teases you because you’re cold but… Ever since I known you, you were the first one to help out everyone. Hell, you even convinced Zen to model for C&R!”  
  
Jumin hugged him back and let out a small laugh.  
  
“He gets paid a lot.”  
  
“He’s not doing it for the money. He does it because you kept pushing him to try himself out in modelling and better himself. You knew Zen is addicted to proving and improving himself and took advantage of it and made him become better and helped him with financially. He was so grateful to you. He knows he gets paid way more than he should. He told me so. You helped Jaehee with her café. You always help my brother and to this day you give him work he loves to do. Yoosung… Well, he actually came to his senses with everyone’s help but I’m sure you helped him too. Everyone in the RFA owes you a whole lot more than you’d think.”  
  
Jumin just stood there, silent. They stayed in the embrace for a little while, until Jumin pulled away.  
  
“Thank you Saeran. It means a lot that you think so highly of me.”  
  
“It’s really nothing. You’re my friend.” He looked up at the clock on the wall and sighed. “It’s time for me to go. Saeyoung must be waiting for me.”  
  
Jumin nodded and called a car for him. As they said their goodbyes and Saeran was about to open the door he turned around one more time.  
  
“Jumin. It was nice to talk about feelings. Let’s never fucking do that again!”  
  
Jumin laughed and nodded in agreement as he waved him goodbye.  
  
~  
  
Saeran was chilling on the couch doing nothing in particular. He already took a shower after coming home from the clinic, did his breathing exercises and meditated. Sometimes he wished he didn’t have to do all this to keep himself sane, but he had to. His mind was not in the right place sometimes and without practice he could easily slip.  
  
MC was visiting her family for a few days, so it was only him and Saeyoung home. His brother was in the kitchen preparing dinner. The house was calm and besides the noise from the tv and kitchen there wasn’t any noise.  
  
That’s why Saeyoung’s phone going off made him jump when it started ringing. His brother picked it up.  
  
“Hey, Jumin!.... No, I’m home…. I don’t have anyone to look after Saeran. I can’t go…. Ah. I see. Umm… I’ll get going then. See you soon!” He hung up the phone.  
  
“Saeran! There is an emergency at C&R. Jumin needs my help. Will you be okay to stay at home alone? Just for tonight?”  
  
Saeran almost screamed from joy. _Finally!_ He could be alone for a night without a babysitter. He assured Saeyoung that he will be alright and there was nothing to be worried about. Saeyoung checked if he knew every safety measure they put in place in the house and the phone numbers of everyone he could possibly reach if there was a problem. After a lot of nagging, he finally left and Saeran was overjoyed.  
  
He picked up his phone the moment Saeyoung stepped out the door and called Zen. The man picked it up in no time.  
  
“Hey Sae! How are you?”  
  
“ZEN! I’m all alone! Saeyoung actually left me alone for the first time in three years!”  
  
“Oh, that’s great news! Isn’t MC there?”  
  
“No, she left to visit her family. Saeyoung stayed because he couldn’t leave me alone but Jumin called him because of some emergency and he left.”  
  
“So you have the house for yourself?”  
  
“I do! Isn’t it great? I can do whatever I want. I can… I don’t know. Sit on the counter without Saeyoung yelling at me. I can blast my music without headphones. I can watch a movie with the volume all the way up!”  
  
Saeran knew he must have sounded ridiculous, but he was so happy he could be by himself. He appreciated his brother and the others for all their help, but he missed being his own person. Having his own little world. He needed this so much.  
  
“I’m happy for you! It’s a really big step.”  
  
“I know. Ah, Zenny I am so happy right now! I can be all alone with no one here. It’s like a dream come true.”  
  
Zen was silent for a little while then finally spoke up.  
  
“Um so. You… You don’t want company?”  
  
“Duh. I told you, I’ve been waiting for this moment for like 2 years now. I’m not about to organize a babysitter for myself after finally getting away from being watched 24/7.”  
  
“I see. Sorry Saeran. I… I need to go. Working out or whatnot. I’ll… I’ll see you around.”  
  
Zen didn’t even wait for him to say goodbye and hung up. Saeran stared at his phone. Zen did not sound happy. It was unnerving. He knew how much Saeran hated how his brother had him on a leash. He should have been happy for Saeran. But he sounded really… sad? Disappointed?  
  
Was it something Saeran said? Did he do something wrong? Zen sounded really strange. He was usually joking around and flirting with him but not today. He never cut it so short except when he had rehearsal but then he called him back when he had the time. He never hung up without waiting for Saeran’s reply. And most importantly he never said “I’ll see you around!”. He always went for the can’t wait to hang out again or miss you. Or when he pissed of Saeran and knew he was about to hang up on him, the “I know you love me”.  
  
Saeran’s hand started shaking. He felt it coming. His anxiety level rose. His ear started ringing and the whole room started spinning around him. His heart beat fast and he grabbed onto the couch to steady himself. Breathe! He tried taking deep breaths and tried to focus on his phone. Fuck. His mind was spinning, his thoughts started washing away every logical thought in his head. Zen kept popping up in front of him and his unrecognizable tone in the phone. He made Zen mad. He was bad. Bad. He didn’t deserve Zen. He made him mad. Fucking stupid Saeran. He was so weak.  
  
He felt the pull harder than ever. He felt like he was going to lose it for sure. He didn’t have an episode or an anxiety attack for a long time but if it had to happen it was really bad timing. He was all alone. There was nothing to stop him if he slipped. He gathered all his strength and fought the numbness taking over his brain as he searched for Jumin’s number in his phone. He was the only one he could count on to not tell Saeyoung what was happening.  
  
He successfully found his contact and dialled his number. He didn’t pick up. He tried it again. Nothing. Third times the charm. It didn’t work. He started to panic. He couldn’t call his brother; he would be staying home for months under heavy surveillance. He couldn’t call MC, she was away. He couldn’t call Yoosung, he was away on an international conference in Japan. He couldn’t call Zen for obvious reasons. Jaehee was out of the picture because she wouldn’t know what to do and she was not a really calming presence. Jumin. He needed Jumin.  
  
Suddenly, his phone rang. It was him.  
  
“Saeran! Why did…”  
  
“Jumin I…. I’m panicking. I did something bad. I’m so stupid. I’m an idiot. I’m such a fucking idiot Jumin. He hates me. He hates me so much.”  
  
“Saeran! Breathe and try telling me what happened. You are not stupid! You are an amazing person whom everyone loves. I love you. Saeyoung loves you. Please. Tell me what happened. But first, breathe!”  
  
Saeran tried following the order. After a few minutes, his breathing went back to normal while Jumin kept reassuring him that everything was alright. When his head stopped spinning and he could put two coherent sentences together, he started speaking.  
  
“I was calling Zen to tell him I was home alone… And I was really happy about it but… He was so cold, Jumin. He sounded so sad and I. And I don’t know what I did but he’s mad at me and…”  
  
“Saeran what exactly did you tell him?”  
  
He tried to recall the phone call.  
  
“Well I told him I was alone. I went on to say… To say what I was going to do now that I’m alone. And he asked me if I wanted company and I obviously said no and oh…”  
  
Saeran’s face went red. Fuck. If he thought he was stupid before, now he knew he was a complete moron. How did he not catch that?  
  
“I see you realised what went wrong. He’s not mad Saeran. He just wants to see you. He’s sad that you don’t want him there.”  
  
“Yeah, Jumin. Thanks, I know that now. Don’t have to spell it out for me.”  
  
“I just wanted to make sure I didn’t sacrifice my cat and my whole night for nothing.”  
  
“What?” “Saeran. There was no emergency. I told Saeyoung that so he would come over but when he got here, I told him I just wanted to have some drinks with him. I even let Elizabeth out to distract him. I stepped outside to call you, but I’ll have to go back soon. He won’t be home until tomorrow. I plan to get him really drunk and have him sleep here. So call Zen and have some fun tonight. You can thank me later.”  
  
Saeran was shocked and so, so, so grateful. Jumin was a great friend.  
  
“Thank you Jumin. I owe you big time. I should… Get going. Have fun with Saeyoung and thank you so much!”  
  
“Yeah, yeah. Go!”  
  
Jumin hung up and Saeran punched the air in excitement. It took him a minute to gather himself up but when he felt completely recollected, he dialled Zen’s number. He picked up after a few rings.  
  
“I told you I was working out. I can’t really talk about your adventures with being alone.”  
  
He was grumpy and Saeran heard on his breathing that he was, in fact, working out.  
  
“Doyouwantocomeover?”  
  
“What?”  
  
Saeran took a deep breath and repeated himself, now much slower so Zen could understand.  
  
“Do you want to come over?” The line went silent for a second than he heard a door shut.

“Yeah. I gotta take a shower but… I’ll be there in 30.” “Okay. See you then!” “See you!” Zen hung up fast but now Saeran wasn’t freaking out about it. He knew Zen was in a hurry to get there. He went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Did he look okay? His hair could use a comb. He combed his hair trying to style it but failed miserably. At the end he just ruffled it up a bit and left it at that. He brushed his teeth and washed his face. He didn’t need a shower, he had one not that long ago.  
  
He went to his closet and dug through his clothes. He liked his older clothes more than the new, cute boy shit Saeyoung kept buying him. He might not be a real bad boy anymore, but he still had his moments and that aesthetic fit him better, so he reached for bis black skinny jeans. He paired it with a white tank top and his leather jacket. He put it on and winced at the sight of his Mint Eye tattoo. He planned to cover it up but had no idea with what, so it was there, reminding him of his past every time he looked at it. As it disappeared under the jacket, he instantly felt better. He looked at his black leather choker and wondered if he should put it on. He wasn’t sure if Zen was more into him with his sweatshirts and relaxed jeans or with the black on black ensemble. He decided to put it on anyways. He could just take it off if it didn’t work for Zen.  
  
The rest of the time he waited for Zen, he was fidgeting. He was nervous like never before. Zen always made him feel better and made him calm but right now he was doing the opposite. It felt like the arms of the clock were not moving. He started wondering if Zen was going to cancel because it was getting late and he had some audition to go to in the morning or something. But suddenly, putting a stop to Saeran’s overthinking, the doorbell rang.  
  
His brother still had the obnoxious security questions for the door that made Zen really mad. He tried to answer the questions, but they changed every few weeks and he finally gave up and started using the bell.  
  
Saeran jumped to his feet and rushed to open the door. It took him a few seconds to unlock everything, but he finally made it and there he was.  
  
Zen, standing on his doorstep. Looking dreamy as usual. His silver hair was in a ponytail, his fringe falling into his red eyes. He had a smile playing in the corners of his lips as he said hi to him. He wore his usual skinny jeans with a bomber jacket and a black turtleneck underneath. He towered over the younger boy who smiled at him.  
  
“Hi! I’m… I’m sorry I was a bit ignorant before. This whole thing is new to me.”  
  
Zen went inside and took his shoes off. He also got rid of the jacket. His clothes accentuated his height and his wide shoulders. He was really an angel trapped in the human world.  
  
“I know Saeran. I just… I got a bit mad; I think. That you didn’t want me here.”  
  
Saeran looked down at his feet and took a newfound interest in the hardwood floor. He felt Zen standing before him, looking at him, but he just couldn’t bring himself to look up in his eyes.  
  
“I do. I do want you here. I was… I was just very excited and didn’t think about you for a moment. But then I talked to Jumin and here we are.”  
  
He motioned around them, still not looking straight up to Zen.  
  
“So I owe your invitation to Jumin? You’re not making things easier for me, are you?”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
He felt Zen’s hand touching his jawline and cupping his face, gently forcing him to look up. As he did, all coherent thoughts left his brain and every cell in his body screamed for Zen as the man looked at him with such warmth in his eyes, he could’ve sworn his heart melted in his chest from it.  
  
Zen leaned closer to him, his warm breath hitting his face. He smelled the scent of cigarettes and toothpaste mixed together in a deliciously Zen way that made his skin tingle. As he bathed in the feeling of being this close to Zen and having his hand on his face while the other slowly pulled him closer by his waist, he tore his eyes from his and dropped his gaze onto Zen’s lips. They were so pink and full, he wanted to feel it on his own.  
  
“Can I kiss you?”  
  
Zen’s question was so quiet he could hardly hear it but Saeran nodded. He couldn’t get his voice to cooperate with him.  
  
Zen closed the remaining few inches between them and kissed Saeran. It was sweet and romantic. It was everything Zen had been to Saeran in the last few years. It was gentle, caring, patient. It was everything Saeran wanted since the moment he laid his eyes on the other man.  
  
Zen pulled him closer, almost as if he wanted to be as close to Saeran as he could possibly be. He didn’t complain and put his arms around Zen’s neck, mirroring him and pushing himself into him. Zen groaned and slipped his tongue inside Saeran’s mouth.  
  
If Saeran felt dizzy from the sweet, almost just a peck on the lips kiss, he was on fucking fire from feeling Zen’s tongue meeting with his. Saeran let the man take control of the kiss, he felt like Zen deserved to take anything and everything he wanted from him as long as he stayed with him like that. Wrapped around him, like a shelter from the world. A shelter only he and Zen were part of.  
  
Zen bit his lower lip and Saeran felt his hand go down to his ass, grabbing it. It took Saeran by surprise that Zen was this forward, but he wasn’t going to complain. He moaned into Zen’s mouth and arched his back so his butt would be pressed into Zen’s hand more. The man stopped attacking Saeran’s mouth for a second and Saeran knew all too well why. It was Zen and his stupid idea that he was doing something bad by sleeping with someone he was not together with. Saeran was having none of that.  
  
“Do you want to take this to the bedroom?” Saeran was nearly purring into Zen’s ear. He was not going to miss this opportunity. Who knew when they would have the chance to do it again?  
  
“We really… we really shouldn’t.”  
  
Saeran was getting annoyed and tore himself out of Zen’s grasp. He looked confused by it but Saeran paid him no mind. He crossed his arms in front of him and shoot him an angry glare.  
  
“Hyun Ryu, you are not going to tell me that you came here to kiss me in the hall of my own house then leave me to myself.”  
  
“I was… I wasn’t going to leave, I just thought we would cuddle and watch a movie. Make out a bit I guess.” Zen awkwardly scratched his head. Christ, he was adorable.  
  
“Zen. I haven’t had sex in 3 years. If you are not going to fuck me, I’ll call someone else.”  
  
He hardly finished that last word, Zen pushed him to the wall. _Well, we’re getting somewhere._ He leaned down to his neck and took his choker between his teeth and tugged on it.  
“That is not going to happen. Ever. Now, take this off, so I can mark you up nicely.” _Bingo_!

Saeran practically tore off his choker and threw it down to the floor. Zen was on his neck a second later, kissing and sucking his sensitive skin. He moaned and laced his fingers into Zen’s soft hair, grabbing it stronger when the man sank his teeth into his flesh, biting him. He was certain now, that Zen was not joking about marking him. Not that he minded any of it. If Zen had to unleash the beast to have sex, Saeran was more than happy to be his canvas for love bites and bruises from his fingers that were digging deeper into his hips.  
  
They stumbled around the house, Zen pushing him against every single surface that was available and taking off his own and Saeran’s clothes one by one in the process, leaving them behind on the floor. When they reached Saeran’s bedroom, Zen pushed him down the bed and Saeran had a moment to admire Zen’s naked body in the faint light of his room before the man climbed onto him and started exploring his body.  
  
Their first time was exactly as Saeran had imagined it during late nights of loneliness It was full of sweet nicknames and praises from Zen to a point he felt like his heart was going to explode. He made sure Saeran enjoyed every single second of it. And enjoying it he did. He lost himself in the way Zen grabbed onto him and moaned his name when Saeran grinded up against him. His skin felt a hundred times more sensitive as Zen put his hand everywhere he could reach. He made sure they never lost skin to skin contact and Saeran was grateful for that.  
  
When Zen actually got inside him, he stared into Saeran’s eyes with so much worry and warmth in them, Saeran had to pull him down and jam his tongue inside his mouth to stop him from saying something Saeran was not ready to hear. He knew that look Zen gave him. It was full of love and Saeran didn’t want to hear him confessing his feelings to him while they were having sex for the first time. It would’ve ruined the word for Saeran. He wanted to hear those words come out of Zen when they were not wrapped up in each other, full of hormones and cloudy thoughts. He needed it to be real.  
  
As he was ending his 3 years dry spell, it took him little time to climax, but he wasn’t disappointed. In fact, he was smiling like an idiot when Zen finally collapsed on him, breathing heavy, his sweaty hair stuck to his forehead. He lay down next to him and Saeran cuddled up to him, listening to his breathing calm down.  
  
As they lay there naked in comforting silence, Saeran felt like he was glowing from happiness. He looked like it too. He was grinning and drawing little invisible patterns on Zen’s chest. As the older man closed his eyes, Saeran slowly dropped his hands lower and dipped his fingers in the lines of Zen’s abs. As he went lower and grazed his V line, he moaned quietly.  
  
“Saeran… We just finished having sex.”  
  
“Well, you might have. But I haven’t.”  
  
With that, Saeran threw a leg over Zen and sat right on his hips. He felt Zen’s member against his ass, and he gave the man underneath a self-satisfied smile. He was already hard again.  
  
“I am not moving.”  
  
“That’s okay with me.”  
  
Saeran eased himself onto Zen and moaned in pleasure. He could do this all night. He put his hands into Zen’s to keep his balance and started riding him. Unfortunately, as he practically hasn’t had sex in 3 years, he came way too early again but he didn’t finish riding Zen. He wanted him to finish as well.  
  
“Can you… Turn around?”  
  
Saeran blushed but obeyed and turned around, facing the window instead of Zen. He felt Zen’s hand grabbing his cheeks as he lowered himself down on him once again. Saeran arched his back a bit and tried to move a bit more seductively. He wasn’t as much of a showman as Zen, but he had to try giving his best so Zen could have the best view of his backside he could possibly have.  
  
It worked well, as he felt Zen coming in mere minutes. It was his turn to collapse next to him, his thighs sore and his butt in slight pain. He didn’t have any regrets. Zen turned to him, sliding his arm over his waist and nuzzling into his neck. Saeran let himself be cuddled and gradually dozed off.  
  
He woke up to his bed feeling cold and empty. His heart clenched for a moment, his hazy mind trying to figure out if he had dreamt it all or did Zen left him. As he opened his eyes and took a deep breath, he felt something was off. The smell of fresh air and cigarette smoke filled the room. He looked at the window where Zen stood, his long hair untamed and falling down all the way to his waist, covering a part of his back. He was leaning out the window with a cigarette hanging between his lips.  
  
Saeran got out of the bed and went up behind him. He hugged him from the back and buried his face in his silver hair. The sun’s faint light shone around them, glistening on Zen’s skin. He was so god damn gorgeous, Saeran could hardly fathom why he chose him.  
  
“Good morning Saeran!” Zen took his arm and shuffled to the left so Saeran could stand next to him in the window.  
  
“Can I have a drag?”  
  
“Sure.”  
  
Zen turned and handed him the cig. Saeran took it and took a long drag from it, keeping it in for a second then blowing the smoke out. Zen studied him as he took another drag. Saeran didn’t pay him much mind, he was dying to smoke for weeks now. He had a nicotine addiction for so long, he kinda gave up on quitting. His brother tried to stop his bad habit with everything he could, but he had Zen supplying him if he really needed it.  
  
“Umm… Saeran. Can you turn around?"  
  
“Well, isn’t that familiar?” Saeran chuckled but turned to face his bed. Zen stepped in front of him and to his surprise, got into his knees. Saeran wanted to throw the burning cigarette out the window but Zen grabbed his wrist.  
  
“No. Keep smoking. I always wanted to try it like this.”  
  
Saeran shrugged and took another drag, as Zen started kissing his stomach and groin. A he blew the smoke out, Zen took him in his mouth. His eyes rolled back into his head. _Fuck_. He looked down at Zen and his scarlet eyes met his through the thin veil of smoke. Saeran had sex before. He has gotten blowjobs before. The Mint Eye was a very… open minded place. Well, sexually at least. But he never got a blowjob from the most beautiful man on Earth in a window while smoking a cigarette. It was the hottest thing he ever experienced. If Zen was this experimental with everything… Saeran moaned from just the thought of what awaited him if they stayed together.  
  
Zen kept going, taking him all the way in, then going back up, releasing him from his mouth with a loud pop. Saeran didn’t know where to focus. He had to smoke the cigarette to make sure Zen got his fantasy, but the feeling of his lips wrapped around him and the way he looked on his knees was way too overwhelming.  
  
When he finally came, he whimpered as his oversensitive member shoot down Zen’s throat. The man swallowed and got back on his feet, kissing Saeran the moment he steadied himself. He tasted himself on his tongue, but he didn’t care. It was amazing.  
  
Zen threw the butt out the window and pulled Saeran back to the bed for some more shut eye. That night, Saeran went to sleep with a smile on his face and a hand over his body.


	2. Fight

Saeran woke up to the sound of the front door being opened. He didn’t pay much mind to his brother coming home so he turned to his side and cuddled up to Zen’s warm body next to him. _Wait a minute._

His eyes popped open and he started shaking Zen. The man growled and shoved his hand off. Saeran didn’t give up and tore the covers off Zen. The older man finally opened his eyes and shoot a deadly look at him.

“SAERAN!”

His brother’s voice changed Zen’s expression in a heartbeat. Saeran jumped out the bed and got a boxer out of his drawers and threw one to Zen too. The man put it on without question and as Saeran looked for clothes to put on in a rush, his door opened.

The sight of his best friend standing in his brother’s room in nothing, but underwear reflected on Saeyoung’s face perfectly. As perfectly meant utterly shocked, borderline angry.

“What is going on here?” Saeran felt the anger oppressed in his voice. Luciel was pretty good at keeping up appearances but maybe the current situation was too much, even for him.

“Well, I… We… Me and Zen… He spent the night.”

Saeran felt all his anxiety coming out and it showed as he could barely mutter a sentence. He looked at Zen pleadingly, giving him the sign to take matters into his own hands to save Saeran from collapsing.

“I did. I’m… Sorry Saeyoung, I should have told you.”

Saeyoung was shooting daggers at his friend.

“No. You shouldn’t have stayed at the first place. Seriously, Zen! You couldn’t just fucking not go for my brother of all people? You could go out to the street right now and there would be like 10 people willing to fuck you and you CHOSE MY BROTHER?”

Saeran felt ashamed. Not because he slept with Zen, but because he didn’t even stop to think what his brother might think if he found out about it. Zen was one of his best friends after all. Surely, there was some bro code concerning this situation, that Zen broke.

“It’s not that simple Saeyoung and you know that!” Zen was calm and collected. That shouldn’t have amazed Saeran as he was a pretty damn good actor. He was sure deep-down Zen was panicking.

“Not that simple? NOT THAT SIMPLE? Explain it me then; what is not that simple? That I got invited to get drunk at Jumin’s and when I get home, I find your clothes all over MY FUCKING HOUSE! PRETTY SIMPLE TO ME! To think you convinced Jumin to distract me… How did you manage that? Fucked him too?”

Zen lost his cool at the last comment. No matter how good he was at acting, Jumin’s name always struck him hard. He stepped closer to Saeyoung and raised his hand, pointing at his brother.

“Don’t say that! You know very well I would never fuck him, plus I didn’t ask him to do it. Coincidences happen, Saeyoung!”

His brother hardened his expression and also took a step towards Zen. The two getting alarmingly close to each other. Saeran was frozen in his place, unable to react to anything. His mind was getting hazy. His anxiety took over every single thought he had in his brain.

He caused his brother to fight with his best friend. He destroyed their relationship for a good fuck. FUCK! He was such a fucking idiot. Honestly, he should’ve listened to Zen last night and just cuddled with him until they both fell asleep. But of course, his hormones got the best of him. His crush on Zen didn’t help either. And now his brother was going to kill Zen.

“Sure, coincidence. Let’s go with that. You still shouldn’t have fucked my recovering brother. Are you fucking stupid?”

Zen was now dangerously close to Saeyoung and the tension could’ve been cut with a knife.

“Am not! I’m sorry we had sex, Saeyoung. At least someone in this house did.” The belittling snicker that followed made Saeyoung clench his hand into a fist. Oh, no.

“I don’t appreciate your tone.”

“And I don’t appreciate you making assumptions. Whatever happened here last night was purely physical. We both know that. I didn’t forget what you told me, you never let me forget it anyways. But you should realize Saeran has needs. Or do you expect him to never have sex again?”

 _Purely Physical. Purely physical. Purely… Physical…_ The words played over and over in Saeran’s head. _It cannot be. It can’t be true._ No, there was no way the night before was only about sex. _Why would Zen say that?_ The way he touched him, the sweet things he whispered into his ear, the possessive marks on his body couldn’t all be a lie to get him into bed. Zen was not like that. Zen was never like that. He wouldn’t manipulate him. _Or would he?_

“I just expect him to fuck anyone but my friends.”

“Oh so I’m not good enough? What are you Luciel? A gatekeeper? I think Saeran can decide who he wants to sleep with. Not being able to date doesn’t equal being rigid.”

Saeyoung’s face fell and he looked at Saeran for a mere second then looked back at Zen’s hurt expression. Zen must have felt so bad, having to choose between the two. Evidently, he chose Saeran, but it still broke his heart to see the two most important men in his life fight.

 _Wait_. Not being able to date? Saeran’s mind suddenly felt like the air before a big storm.

“What did you just say, Zen?”

The two men looked at him when he spoke, no more than a whisper.

“I said… I said that I get that you can’t date anyone, but it shouldn’t stop you from having some fun.”

Saeran turned to his brother who know was finding the floor much more interesting than the other people in the room.

“Saeyoung. Why is it that Zen thinks I can’t date? Did you tell him that I can’t date? I’m not that emotionally scarred! I have feelings and I… I worked so hard to get where I am and have relationships. You know I can date. You were there when my therapist gave me the go ahead!”

Saeran could hardly hold back the tears. Did his brother go around and told everyone he was just simply unable to date? Did he still give the impression of emotionally unstable? Before he could get into his feeling too much, Zen started laughing. Full on, tearing up laughing. The brothers watched him as he slowly calmed down and when he finally did, he turned to Saeyoung.

“You are a piece of work Saeyoung Choi. How long did you plan to keep lying to us? How long did you plan to lie to ME? You knew I had feelings for… You knew I had… Fuck!”

Zen’s voice broke off and he punched the wall next to Saeyoung in anger. The brothers both jumped, Saeran out of pure confusion and Saeyoung out of fear.

“Zen, I… I don’t know what to say. I don’t… I didn’t want this to happen, I…. I’m sorry.”

Zen glared at him.

“I know what to say! Watch!” Zen spun around and now faced Saeran. The man felt small under the other’s gaze but was stuck in his place still. There was no escaping of what was going to happen. Even if Saeran had no clue what was going on anymore. When did Saeyoung’s anger transferred to Zen? And why?

“Saeran dear. Remember about a week ago when I took you to my spot? In the mountains, during sunset. I held your hand and I was so happy. I wanted to kiss you, I wanted to hug you, I wanted to do every single thing we did last night then and there. But I didn’t. Because when you went home, and I stayed outside with Saeyoung he…”

“Please don’t do this Zen!” Saeyoung interrupted him but Zen silenced him with only an intense glare.

“As I was saying… He reminded me that your therapist haven’t given you the go ahead to date and I shouldn’t do this to myself. Because I have feelings for you, and he knew that. Apparently, he also knew you were allowed to date. My question to you Saeyoung is; Why did you do this to me? Why did you make me so desperate that I actually thought I could sleep with Saeran without feeling shit afterwards? You were telling us lies for years!”

Saeran was so shocked he couldn’t say anything. He was so confused. He was trying to connect the dots and as he did, he heard Zen and Saeyoung going on like a background noise. Saeyoung lied to Zen. To everyone. He made Zen think Saeran only wanted sex. He made Saeran lose a year from his life that he could’ve spent with Zen. Now it was clear why Zen never made a serious move on him. He thought he wasn’t allowed to date. Saeyoung _, why?_

Tears came to his eyes. His brother betrayed him. His brother lied to him. He was not much better than he used to be. Only this time he wasn’t abused by his mother. He wasn’t left to the care of a crazy woman and a weak man. He wasn’t brainwashed. He just had to go to bed every single night wondering if Zen had feelings for him or not. He had to fantasize about Zen instead of actually fulfilling those fantasies.

“I am leaving, and you better not try to hack into my stuff to… I don’t even know. Just don’t fucking talk to me!”

Zen stormed out and left a remorseful Saeyoung and a crying Saeran behind. Saeyoung looked at his brother and went to comfort him but Saeran dodged him and went to his wardrobe and threw some clothes in his backpack in a hurry.

“Saeran what are you doing?”

“I’m leaving with Zen. I don’t want to see you, Saeyoung. I… I’m so disappointed in you. Never thought you’d betray me again.” Saeran wiped his eyes with his T-shirt he put on and grabbed his leather jacket. “ZEN, WAIT!”

He ran out the room, not paying mind to his brother who now took his place and didn’t move an inch. He caught up to Zen at the front door with his clothes already on.

“I want to go with you. Please, don’t leave me here! Please!” He begged Zen who was still very tense. The man just nodded and opened the door. They got on his motorcycle and left the bunker behind them. As they reached Zen’s apartment Saeran felt really tired and dizzy. It was too much. It was all way too much.

Zen let them inside. He turned to Saeran as he dropped his backpack next to the couch.

“Saeran I’m sorry this had to happen like this. I’m just so disappointed in Saeyoung I couldn’t control my emotions. I hope I didn’t hurt you.”

The man hugged him and Saeran felt the need to be held forever. He felt so vulnerable.

“I’m not hurt. Well… I’m not sure. But… I don’t want to see him for a while.”

“I understand. I don’t want to see him either. I am so mad at him. How long have you been cleared to date, dear?”

The pet name warmed his heart a bit. It was not a lot, but he needed Zen’s comforting words now more than ever.

“It’s been a year, I think.”

Zen groaned.

“Fuck, Saeyoung. He's such a... Nevermind. One more thing. Saeran. You know I didn’t mean that last night was just physical, right? At least for me it wasn’t and it broke my heart that… that I did all of that to you while thinking you just wanted sex from me. I… I have serious feelings for you Saeran. Yesterday meant something to me.”

Saeran looked up at Zen still holding him close. He could hear his heart beating against his ear. He felt his warm body all around him and as he heard his confession, his own heart started beating a bit faster. It was real. It was all real.

“It meant something to me too. Zen, I liked you ever since I met you.” He laughed lightly and raised his hands to link them behind Zen's neck and kiss him. As their lips collided Saeran broke out in a smile. Zen tried to remain serious, but he couldn’t stop himself and stopped kissing Saeran to reciprocate his smile.

“Swept you off your feet at first sight, did I?”

Saeran rolled his eyes but giggled. It was embarrassing how obviously Zen affected his mood. He behaved like a cringey high school girl. Even if he secretly loved it; he had to act like he hated it.

“Sure. Like you do any other human on this Earth. Not a big deal.”

“Looked like a big deal to me last night. Oh, Zen! Ah, you’re so good! More! Please!”

As Zen moaned his words from the day before into his ears, Saeran got a bit annoyed. He didn’t like being made fun of.

“You ended a three years long dry spell. I would’ve moaned from a few dirty words. Don’t flatter yourself!”

Zen laughed and slipped his hands down to his butt.

“Oh, really? Interesting… Was I so bad that you wanted to ride me after we just finished?”

“Got more control.” Saeran shrugged but he could feel his walls coming down. It was getting hot in the room, with Zen’s hand caressing his bottom endearingly.

“Do you want me to try and prove myself?”

Saeran jumped to the opportunity and pulled Zen down for an intense kiss. They didn’t really make it to the bedroom, but Saeran got the chance to forget about the shit his brother pulled on them, so he was happy with the couch. Turned out Zen was very enthusiastic about proving himself and Saeran may or may not have taken a note of that for later.

Meanwhile back at the bunker, things were not going so well. Saeyoung was shaking. His whole body was giving up. His head was numb, and he collapsed on Saeran’s bed for what felt like hours.

He didn’t just mess up his friendship with Zen, but he made Saeran lose his trust in him too. Hurting Zen? He could fix that easily. Or if not fix it he was only a friend. But Saeran. He finally trusted him and made such a nice recovery. He was doing so well. And now he fucked it all up.

He just wanted to keep Saeran safe. He didn’t mean to hurt either of them. Especially Saeran. He wasn’t even sure Saeran had feelings for Zen. Not until this morning. Not until he caught him with Zen. Zen. Zen. Fuck, who was he kidding? He loved Zen like a brother. He would risk his life for any of the RFA members and that included him.

He knew that it was risky to lie to the RFA but at first, he had no idea it would come to this. He thought if Saeran found someone he could just tell them the therapist said it was okay and it would be all okay. Of course, Zen, the lovely Zen couldn’t just leave his brother alone. He kept pestering him until he confessed to Saeyoung that when the therapist gives the go ahead, he will ask him out. He just didn’t want Saeran to be hurt if something bad happened with Zen. Or if he broke his heart or anything else. He wanted to protect his brother from anything. If he could, he would lock him up in his room and never let him go, but he was aware it was not an option and Saeran had to get back to society sooner or later. He preferred later.

He pondered on the various bad decisions he made to keep Zen off his brother, including declining his offers to babysit many times. He was scared what happened yesterday would’ve happened if the two were left alon e. He tried so hard. He told Zen so many times Saeran was not ready for romantic relationships. And he believed him! Of course, he believed him. Why wouldn’t he believe him?

He was Saeyoung. They've known each other for years. Zen knew how passionate he was about his loved ones. He knew Saeyoung inside and out. Just as well as he knew Zen. He knew how insecure he got sometimes. He knew about his deep-rooted fear that he will only be valued for his looks. And he knew how much love Zen held inside of him.

Maybe that’s the reason why Zen was so hurt. Because Saeyoung knew very well that Zen would never in a million years would hurt someone he loved. Leave it to Saeyoung to make him convince himself that it was okay to sleep with the man he liked and leave it at that. At least it seemed like Zen was about to do that.

That would’ve broken Saeran. Saeyoung knew that. Zen could make that decision once, but surely, he had too much raw emotions to keep pretending he only wanted sex and as he thought Saeran was not available… He would’ve never spoken to Saeran again. That would have been a disaster.

Because… Because Saeyoung was pretty sure his brother was head over heels in love with Zen. He saw them together, he saw how Saeran was happier when Zen was around. He saw the way his brother looked at the silver haired man. He saw Saeran and Zen acting like the whole world could collapse in on itself and they wouldn’t even notice.

Saeyoung’s heart clenched at the thought of him keeping them apart. He was selfish. He was such a fucking idiot. He knew about their feelings. He knew they both longed for each other and Saeyoung just… Interfered.

As he sat on Saeran’s bed, he started crying. For his brother, his lost friend. For himself. He slowly cried and cried, the stress and hangover he had taking over his body and slowly chasing him to sleep, surrounded by Saeran’s scent on the sheets.

“Saeyoung. Sweetie. Wake up, I’m home.”

He woke up to MC caressing his face. He looked up to his girlfriend and met with a pair of worried blue eyes.

“Where is Saeran and why are his clothes all around the house?”

Saeyoung swallowed the lump in his throat.

“He’s with Zen.”

“And the clothes?”

He heard his girlfriend was getting impatient and his heart sunk. He wasn’t ready to fight again. He was tired of the screaming they were doing every time a minor inconvenience arose. He just wanted to cuddle up to her and have his hair played with.

“Please don’t fight with me. Please don’t… Not now.” His tears started spilling out again and he buried his head in the pillows. He heard MC sighing and the next thing he felt was his girlfriend getting in the bed behind him and putting her arm around him.

“I’m not going to fight. I just want to know what happened, my Defender of Justice, 707.”

Saeyoung smiled weakly. She still called him Seven sometimes. She reasoned that she got to know him and fell for him as Seven, so calling him that from time to time reminded her how much they went through together. It was a really sweet sentiment of hers.

“Your Lord and Saviour is a fraud. I broke not one, but two hearts today.”

“How did that happen?”

With that, Saeyoung confessed to everything. The lies he fed everyone, the tactics of how he kept Zen and Saeran away from each other, the feelings they truly had for one another. How he caught them after hooking up and how they left him alone. MC just listened and played with his hair and ran her fingers along his side. After he finished the room fell silent for a while.

“You really messed up this time, Saeyoung.” It was all what MC said and Seven turned to his other side and hugged her.

“I know MC. I know. What should I do?”

“Well… I would say that they probably need some time to process what you’ve done so you shouldn’t do anything for now. Maybe leave a text. Just let them have a little time. Plus… I’d expect them to be going at it at every given moment.”

“Eww. I don’t want to think about my brother having sex. I don’t think Zen would be like that anyway.”

“Ahw babe! You’re adorable. Don’t you remember when we got together? After all the shit that happened, and we finally had some free time I hardly remember leaving your bed. I doubt Zen wouldn’t enjoy finally having Saeran to himself.”

Saeyoung buried his face in MC’s neck, groaning in pain.

“I don’t need these pictures of Zen and my brother doing what we did back then. Gross!”

“I think you deserve it as punishment. I’ll be sure to tell Zen you’re suffering already.”

Seven playfully smacked MC’s thigh and the girl squeaked. Saeyoung laughed and when they stopped fooling around and the room fell silent again, MC spoke up.

“I want those times back.”

Saeyoung looked at MC’s sad expression and propped up himself above her on one arm.

“I want them back too.”

MC linked her arms behind his head and pulled him closer.

“Make them come back, Seven.”

As he kissed her all the tension left his body. Even if everything else was a mess, he got his girlfriend back. They made love in Saeran’s bed – which would infuriate him if he knew – for the first time in weeks. It felt like their first time, full of passion, longing and love. It was exhilarating and made Saeyoung forget that he needed to come up with something to get his brother and friend back. In that moment, only him and MC existed.


End file.
